This isn’t a pretty post. And it has nothing to do with fitness like normal, but it’s something I feel really strongly about. Because I’ve been there. New moms. Post partum depression. And for those struggling
Hi. Im Nikelle and here is my timeline.
•i was a highly competitive athlete with a 4.0 who turned down a scholarship to California and decided to go to school at home. •I got pregnant at 18 and then got married. •I got my first job as a 911 dispatcher •i moved into my own place with zero life experience •I had my daughter (at 19) while working night shifts taking terrible life or death calls •1 week after giving birth my appendix almost ruptured and I had immediate surgery •I had terrible post-partum depression I never told anyone about and I bottled up all my hurt, anger, exhaustion and insanity to deal with on my own. •I took the roll as full time mom, got fired from dispatching because I wasnt progressing fast enough because life was so overwhelming, and then wondered what I was supposed to do with my life •I grasped for any stability, acted like I had it together, cried all day every day, and wondered how I was supposed to live the rest of my life like this. •I kept taking every bit of energy I had trying to find my life purpose or to feel like I was important and worthy. I worked really hard to try to find a career I was proud of. •my daughter work up 8x a night for 2 years. She threw up every time she was put in the car. She never napped. I was dying inside in every way.
•AND I NEVER ASKED FOR HELP! I felt so guilty thinking “im not strong enough. I cant do this alone. I need help. I need sleep. I need an hour to myself. I need to stop being touched. I need to not be needed for a day. I need to not be a milking cow. I need to have a purpose. I need to have meaning.”
(Side note- life got much better after a few years and I am now happy and healthy, i work 3 jobs from home as a full time mom, and sometimes ask for help 😂. But this time I do have it together, and im actually okay)
I felt guilty asking for babysitting. Asking for someone to bring dinner. Never once did I even think about letting someone else watch my daughter overnight after having my appendix removed immediately. I never asked for help cleaning. Or to take a nap. Or to bring me a snack. Or someone to go run my errands. I would hear “what can i help with” and immediately *knew* they were hoping I would say “nothing, I’m fine”, so thats what I said.
I drowned for 2 years. I felt alone and exhausted for 2 years. I had terrible post partum depression for 2 years. If I had JUST asked for help. If i had known that when people asked what they could do, that they were genuine, i would have asked for help. My life, sanity, self-love, and mental stability would have been so much better if I HAD JUST ASKED FOR SOME HELP!
New moms. Just ask. You are worth it. You are not a burden, and neither is your baby. We all need help and thats okay. Youre still a strong woman. Its OKAY to not love the baby phase. Not everyone does. It looks nothing like the commercials show it. We cry A LOT! And honestly, we need as much help as our babies do. Just ask mamma!!