I work very hard at being completely transparent with everyone on my social media outlets. You may ask, why? A lot of my family truly doesn't get it. But heres the thing. If Im not completely honest in my battles and my successes, how are you supposed to relate to me? How would I then expect you to trust me? We are ALL always going though a hard situation or time in our life. If I don't share that, I can't put my arms around you and say, "I've been there, I know its hard, I can COMPLETELY relate to you!" and have you believe me. I can't inspire you to the core of your being (which is my goal) without you seeing me on my knees, at my breaking point, and struggling.
I want you to know IM WITH YOU! Im human, but I'm also powerful and strong and I have the will power of an ox. (sorry for the cliché) AND SO DO YOU! I want to show you that. If I can do it, there is NO reason you can't, too! I want to help you. I want to make you feel less alone. I want you to understand I've been there. Im going through it. Lets get through it together, and after I overcome something that was SO hard, I can share my experience and tips on how I made it through it.
But sometimes, being transparent is hard. Taking a look at our faults and insecurities hurts. But Im going to try and take on that task. There are so many people who don't share things like what I am about to share. But I know in my heart I am going to reach a few of your hearts. Maybe you will even feel it in your soul.
I wasn't in love with being the mother to an infant. There, I said it. I'm working on accepting it everyday as I make another sandwich she won't eat, put juice in another wrong colored cup, and try to put her down for a nap for the 5th unsuccessful time. Now, DO NOT twist those words and hear that I don't LOVE my little girl UNCONDITIONALLY! She is my whole world, and my world revolves around her.
Lets listen to a few back stories to explain my mom struggle.
Between the ages of 0-2, I couldn't wait to get her to sleep. When she wouldn't sleep and she screamed for literal hours while I sat crying outside her door, I would think that I had hit rock bottom. I would sit there and wonder how my life got me to this point. Hating that I was so stressed and upset and depressed all the time when I was previously the happiest and most positive person I knew. I didn't recognize myself. And then the baby cries would stop. I would then cry out of happiness that she wasn't crying. And then Id peak my head in, see how beautiful she was, and cry because I missed her. As you can see, the first 2.5 years of her life, there was just a lot of crying. And honestly, thats not very fun.
For the first 2-3 weeks, I was in strait survival mode. I was just literally trying to keep us both alive. Remembering to feed us was my priority. Exactly 7 days after Anéla was born, my appendix almost ruptured and I had an immediate appendectomy. QUE THE FIRST OF THE MOM GUILT. As soon as the doctor told me I needed surgery I started to sob. Why? Because how was I going to feed my little bundle? Who was going to take care of her? Who was going to hold her all night like I had? Was I going to have enough time to pump enough milk to last atleast 24 hours? What if something happened to me? She wouldn't take a bottle! What if she starved?!" I know. These all sound silly and dramatic. But as a brand new 19 year old mom, I was so scared. Not for me, but for her. I felt so guilty I had to leave her. And that idea of being terrified and worried and guilt ridden never went away. It still hasn't.
Not only was I scared, but I was sleep deprived for 2 years and 4 months. Thats how long it took for her to sleep through the night. Before that, it was normal for her to wake up between 5 and 9 times a night. I wish I was exaggerating. And on top of that, we were convinced she had a major health problem from the time she was about one to one and a half. She would throw up 3-5 times a day for no reason. No explanation. I was a brand new (now 20) year old mom, in a brand new marriage, struggling to find myself, my purpose, and figure out a career, and on top of it we were told our little girl might have a serious health condition. A brain tumor was mentioned more than once. This time was just filled with struggle. With hurt. With fear. "Who am I? I have no time to myself. What do I do for fun? I need to figure out a career. I am a mom. That's all I am. That's all I will ever be." I hated it. I didn't like being a mom. After 2 years of this I had decided thats the way it would always be. Tired and unhappy.
AND THEN!. YES! There is a happy ending to this story! We got news she wasn't sick. She started sleeping. She started to talk and tell me what she needed and what hurt. She started to tell me when she was car sick so I could grab a bowl. She finally got potty trained. She started to be a little (more) independent human. We started to have fun and play real games, and I got a little more alone time. I started, and am continuing, to find myself, my passions and who I am. I don't cry near as much, and I laugh more every day.
So maybe not that I don't like the ENTIRE mom thing. I just don't enjoy the baby phase. I don't like the crying, and the lack of communication, and feeling like I can never leave her. So if you related to these stories at all, just hang on to the hope that it will get better. Get up every day, get dressed, and hang on. One day you will wake up happier than before, and a little less sleep deprived. And it's okay to say you don't love being a mom to a baby.