Hey all! If you know me, you know I recently started doing bikini competitions! I am currently prepping for my second competition, and boy has it been a roller coaster. I haven't been great at updating about my prep experience this time around on any of my social media platforms, so I thought I would start a blog series instead!
I am currently 9 weeks and 3 days out from my national qualifier, and I wanted to sum up the last 6-8 weeks and really talk about the struggles I've had, many of which anyone trying to lose weigh has encountered! I am not going to sugar coat this post. I'm really going to tell you all the crap I've dealt with mentally and how I over came it, or didn't....
I started to prep at about 15 weeks out, but not really seriously. I just started to clean up my diet and was doing 80% macro tracking and the other 20% was, well... what ever I wanted. That was my first mistake. After my last competition i gained 22 pounds. In a literal span of 3 months. I went from 125 on show day, to 147 pounds 3 months later. I had a reverse plan to make sure that didn't happen, but I just couldn't (or didn't, because I HATE the word can't) control myself with food. I ate everything. I made multiple trips to krispy cream and went out of my way to eat anything in any amount I wanted. Super healthy right?...
My hormones freaked out! I had night sweats, my back hurt like I was pregnant again, and everything was pretty terrible. I got back on track Dec 28th (my show was Oct 6th) and I started to slowly drop a few pounds and the night sweats and back aches went away. But at "15 weeks out" I was 8lbs heavier than I was at 15 weeks out on my last prep! So I started way behind. And I should have started much earlier to compensate for the extra fat I had.
Alright, so weeks 15-12... I seriously was one foot in, one foot out. I wanted to get back in shape and compete, but I almost forgot WHY i loved it so much the first time. Every 3 or 4 days I would just have a mini give up, and eat like crap. So the previous few days of sticking to my macros didn't even matter. I was still killing msyelf mentally for 3 days, and then ruining my progress on the 4th day. I started to ask myself if this was really for me. Did I really want to work that hard again? I did it once, didn't I already prove to myself I could do it? I really couldn't swallow the idea of being tired, hungry, and prepping my meals again for those last 8 weeks... But I also wanted to do it... See the dilemma?
So what did I do? I may never forget this moment ever again. It's a specific moment where I chose between the hard thing and the easy thing. I was either all in or all out. I had to choose. I was walking with my daughter at monkey business and I bought her a soft pretzel. Of course, the 2yo decided she didn't want it (after begging for it, mind you). I didn't want it to go to waste so I consciously thought to myself, "I'm going to eat this, and I'm not doing prep because it's just too hard". This is not one of my better moments.... I took one bite. I stopped, and I thought "who was that? Who just said that? That's not me. I don't say things like that. I am 100% positive that is not who I am or who I want to be". I think I sat for minutes with that bite in my mouth. And after a quick pep talk of "okay, do it or don't", I spit it out, and I decided I wasn't half in, half out anymore. I was doing it, even though it was really hard. Because that is just the type of person I want to be.
I am now 9 weeks and 3 days out. The last 2 weeks, I have been almost PERFECT with my diet, and Ive done everything I can in the gym, while Im trying to also heal my pulled hamstring. In 2 weeks, I have lost 4.5lbs. I am finally down to 134.4lbs, which is still heavier than I was last prep at this stage. (I was 132.2lbs at 9 weeks 3 days out last time) But I am reminding myself that this time I am giving it 110%, which I still didn't do last prep, and if I stay on this path, I will make it. I am 100% positive I WONT make it if I don't try, and I know I will regret it if I give up. I won't give up just because I have a fear I won't be good enough. I just won't allow myself to be someone who who gives up out of fear, or because it's hard.